The Latin Reporter/ El Reportero Latino

My friend "Stella," who has an advice column in El Reportero Latino, wanted to bring the gringa perspective to the column and invited me to impart advice to the readers along with her. I changed my name to "Jane" to sound extra-gringa and this is the column.

Dear Stella and Jane:

I met this guy at a local bar. I know, bars aren't the place to meet guys. But I only gave him my number and he called me the next day. We talked for days until we had a date that following weekend. At dinner he told me that he remembered everything I told him about me. He actually did. I was surprised and impressed. We saw each other again the day after that and talked on the phone again several times. Then he told me he had to go out of town but would call me when he got back. Suddenly when he said he was supposed to be out of town, he wasn't. He was at the bar dancing with someone else, and his "wife" called me days later and asked why my number was in her husband's phone. Stella (and Jane), how did I not see the red flags? How did I fall for a smooth-talking jerk?
Signed,
HE LIED!
-Maribel in Williston, FL

Maribel, my heart goes out to you. Sometimes it's hard to tell the difference between a sincere man and a player. However, I do want to point out a few things to you.

Who are the most attractive men that you know? Think about it for a minute. They are comfortable with themselves, at ease around women, and easy to talk to; they are loads of fun because they are secure enough to be themselves.

But, where do you find such a man? Generally, he's someone's husband or boyfriend already. Men are secure with themselves when they are attached. However, an unscrupulous "taken" man will take advantage of this self-confidence to tease the single women he encounters. This is what made your old pal Slick bold enough to approach you, lavish attention on you, and ultimately let you down. He had nothing to lose (unless his wife found out), and sadly, he used you to feed his ego.

There are a few ways to spot a player. The first quality is confidence; specifically, too much confidence. The player is not worried that you will reject him- presumably because he's already with someone, although he won't admit that. In response to his attention and adoration, we think, Wow, he's so much fun. He ordered my favorite drink for me. He is so sweet on the phone. We forget that there's a logical reason he might act this way: because he's had a lot of practice!

The second red flag was taught to me by my mother. She says, "If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is." At some point, did you wonder why you don't meet guys like Slick all the time? How much do you crave attention from men, as a single woman? The way he acted to lure you into his orbit was effective but not sincere. Sincere single guys tend to be more afraid to approach us, and they don't exude the confidence of their paired-off counterparts.

As modern women, we are torn between wanting to be pursued and acting to speed up the process of meeting someone new. Yes, it is wonderful to get attention from a potential beau, but it is far more satisfying to find yourself in the company of a sincere, interested and single man.

Where do you find a sincere, interested and single man? That, my friend, is another column entirely.

With kind thoughts,

Jane